


The Silence Is So Loud

by FuryBeam136



Series: i ain't the first with the curse [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Connor has an awful time, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, You're Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-24 22:02:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20021734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FuryBeam136/pseuds/FuryBeam136
Summary: There's nothing happening. Nothing distinctly wrong. Nothing lurking in the corners of Connor's eyes or assaulting his mind palace.No, the only thing happening is that Connor is doing paperwork in the precinct and there's a vase of flowers on his desk. And there isabsolutely nothing wrong with that.





	The Silence Is So Loud

**Author's Note:**

  * For [certifiedclown](https://archiveofourown.org/users/certifiedclown/gifts).



There's nothing happening. Nothing distinctly wrong. Nothing lurking in the corners of Connor's eyes or assaulting his mind palace.

No, the only thing happening is that Connor is doing paperwork in the precinct and there's a vase of flowers on his desk. And there is _absolutely nothing wrong with that._ At all. Connor has no issues with flowers whatsoever. None. They're pretty and they're just a symbol of appreciation and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, nothing at all, Connor does not hate flowers, Connor _loves_ flowers, _Connor does not have a problem with flowers._

Hank's hand on his shoulder causes him to startle, whipping around like he heard gunshots. Which is not because he's on edge. No, he's completely relaxed. Connor is _fine._

"You doing alright, kid?" Hank is concerned. But there's no reason for Hank to be concerned. Connor is fine. Connor is absolutely fine and relaxed and _nothing is wrong._

"Yes. I am functioning within normal parameters," Connor says. Because he is. His thirium pump is definitely _not_ beating faster than usual and there is no catch of breath in his lungs.

"Look, if anything is wrong, you can tell me." Connor nods. Yes. He can tell Hank if something is wrong. But nothing is wrong so there's no need to trouble Hank with problems that aren't there. "We've got a crime scene. You good to take a look around?"

"Of course." He is definitely fine and can deal with this crime scene quickly and efficiently. Nothing will go wrong because there is nothing to make it go wrong. Everything is fine and Connor is calm and they're going to investigate a crime scene which is something Connor was built for so there's no possible way he's going to mess it up and _take that, Amanda, he's not fucking defective-_

"Well? You coming?" Of course he's coming. What a stupid and pointless question for Hank to ask.

The death metal in the car is oppressive to Connor's ears, and he finds himself wanting to cover them and scream to drown it out but he's not going to do that because he's fine and this is just a small glitch and there is nothing to be worried about especially not the flowers the flowers can't hurt him they're not even poisonous and even if they were Connor is an android and it doesn't matter. The flowers _don't matter._

Out of the car. Silence. Somehow the silence is worse than the death metal. It feels so heavy on Connor's ears, a blanket smothering everything he might have even considered saying. He can smell roses. Which is _fine_ because roses can't hurt him, there is nothing wrong with roses. _There is nothing wrong._

Connor doesn't have to breathe. He can just stop breathing. It would be fine. He would be fine. But the smell of roses rises around him and it's sickening and maybe, just maybe, everything isn't fine.

Connor buries his head in his hands and screams.

"That's what i thought," Hank says softly. And Connor can't bring himself to be mad that Hank deceived him, because they're on the bridge and despite what happened here he likes the bridge. The silence settles on him again and he can't breathe deep enough to manage another scream to chase it away. "Connor. Kid. C'mere."

Hank is trying to pull him into a hug and Connor doesn't think he likes that any better. Everything assaults all of his senses and even when there's nothing it hurts just as much and Connor _can't breathe,_ he's scared, _Amanda, she's coming, she's going to deactivate him, he is just a defective model with no purpose other than to be destroyed as an example-_

Connor falls to his knees and his body shakes. He can't breathe. He can't breathe.

He can't fucking breathe and he can smell roses and he was lying before, he hates flowers, they remind him of Amanda and he hates Amanda and _why do they have to be everywhere?_

Connor can't do anything but shake and sob and _think_ and he _hates thinking, why does he have to always be thinking?_ He wants to stop thinking, there has to be a way to stop thinking, maybe if he slams his skull into the pavement hard enough it will crack and he won't have to think anymore, it'll all be over, he won't have to run from anything or lie to himself because he won't _be._

Connor heaves a sob and feels everything go blissfully, horrifyingly numb. He's tired. Hank's arms are still there waiting for him and he crawls into them, lets himself collapse into numbness and apathy. It doesn't hurt, not really. It's hard to hurt when he feels nothing.

He thinks he prefers being numb.


End file.
